When I write fiction, I try to make original characters, not thinly disguised versions of myself. I kept telling members of a former writing group that my characters are themselves, not my avatars. When I want to write about myself, I do it via nonfiction.
When bits of me do seep into a character, I may not realize it until much later.
After I left that writing group, I traded manuscripts with someone so we could give each other feedback. They were baffled at how my lead was highly self-critical, blaming herself for things beyond her control and not meeting impossible standards. This reader also hated this character's desire to avoid disappointing her loved ones and make them proud.
This feedback confused me. Self flagellation is normal in my world. It's like being aghast that my characters sit in chairs.
Recently, I learned about rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD.) It's a form of intense emotional pain that occurs if a person experiences, perceives, or anticipates rejection. People with ADHD often have RSD, though I wouldn't be surprised if people with other forms of neurodivergence develop RSD as well.
Neurospicy people get treated like dirt way too often, usually for the crime of being ourselves. It starts when we're little and never seems to end. It's not surprising many of us turn that negativity inwards, tearing ourselves apart for being less than perfect. I learned early on as an adolescent not to make an effort, as failure was the worst thing that could happen to a person. Unfortunately, I didn't take this lesson as seriously as I should have, and was constantly punished for not being the ideal neurotypical.
Another trait of RSD is the desire to please others. If someone is happy with you, they're not going to turn you down at the moment. However, if you're primed to take even neutral or somewhat positive feedback poorly, it's hard to tell when you're successful.
With RSD in mind, I see where the beta reader and I view life differently. The beta reader likely experiences a society built for their neurotype. They can interact with a person and not get into trouble for having the wrong mannerisms, wrong vocabulary, train of thought, etc. They can go to school and take classes designed for their cognitive abilities. No one tells them how to "brain" or sense the world, or that they're doing it ALL WRONG and must rewire themselves to fit in. They're so used to this sort of society, they didn't understand this isn't the case for everyone, and was disgusted at my character.
I rarely conform to neurotypical standards in my life, and feel no need to do so in my writing. This may lead to my characters coming across as neurospicy, even when that's not a deliberate choice. Just as I run the risk of incurring neurotypical wrath by being myself, my stories may end up the same way. This doesn't bother me. Whether or not a person enjoys a story is a matter of taste, and I don't care about pleasing everyone.
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